Why anone would want Charlize Theron as the face of their brand is beyond me. The woman is the world’s coldest bitch since Cruella de Vil, she has the acting prowess of a bag of hair, and she eats human babies for dinner. This last one I know for sure because my friend saw it happen once when he was walking past her house in Beverly Hills late one night.
Yes, as you guessed I absolutely cannot stand this woman. The sight of her face makes me want to douse my eyes in peroxide and take a 4-hour epsom salt bath. And the sound of her voice has a similar effect, unfortunately I haven’t yet figured out a way of cleansing my ears after a brush with the assness that is that sound from hell. If you combined the sounds of a thousand screaming fetuses, the mating call groan of a rhinoceros getting double-humped from behind, and the projectile vomiting blasts from the Lard Ass pie-eating scene in Stand By Me — that would be the closest equivalent to Charlize’s voice.
Sadly, Cruella’s voice has been smeared all over this perfectly gorgeous new DIOR ad. It comes as no surprise that I can’t find the name of who directed this — as beautiful as these 60 seconds are, no amount of beauty can erase the painful regret of having chosen to slather what’s-her-face’s voice all over this. Dear anonymous director: stay in hiding until you have come to terms with the unfortunate decision you made here. And if you’re the same person who ruined that other Dior ad with Marilyn Monroe that was aaaaaaalmost perfect — until you slapped Charlize inside of it — then do the world a favor and stay inside your bunker forever. Tisk, tisk.